DO’s and DON’TS of Nasiha

Adīnun Naṣīḥa. A common phrase for some, others not so much. “A part of religion is giving good (Islamic) advice.” (Recorded in Ṣaḥīḥ Bukhārī) According to the Cambridge dictionary, advice is an opinion that someone offers about what to do or how to act in a particular situation.

It is an essential part of Islam to give good advice to your fellow Muslims, where applicable. The immediate question that comes to mind is: who would give bad advice? Only the most treacherous of characters would genuinely try to lead an unsuspecting person awry. Whether out of jealousy, ill will, or just an attempt to lift themselves up by bringing someone else down, we can all agree that we do not want to be that person.

This is not to say that people don’t often give bad advice unintentionally. As humans, we naturally gravitate towards guiding others. This is quite likely born from some intrinsic desire to feel powerful. The Prophet ﷺ displayed a superior understanding of this psychology when he warned us in a ḥadīth of Sunan Abī Dawūd, that a time would come when people would be charmed with their own opinions.

Yes, many of us advise out of genuine altruism; we want to bring about change and betterment because we care. But we can’t deny the feeling we get when someone accepts our advice and it yields good results. We feel that our opinions are weighty and we get to showcase our valuable knowledge and experience. The desire to feed our ego often disguises itself as something much nobler. Understanding our true psychology can help us to purify our intention before we start giving advice.

Hard rule: if you’re advising for a reason other than wanting the best for that person, for Allah’s sake then stop right there. Sometimes people advise because the outcome suits their agenda. We may not intend to harm the person but advice often does more harm than good.

That’s because, in our zeal to help, the quality of the advice sometimes goes unchecked. Is the recommendation appropriate? Is it applicable? Am I too emotional? Am I qualified to give my opinion? These are questions that should come to mind but very often don’t. 

Would you take marriage advice from a person with no relationship experience? Or financial advice from someone broke? Someone giving advice should have all-around knowledge of the subject matter. Furthermore, they should understand all parties in the situation and their previous experiences, consider all of the outcomes.

Bottom line: Our advice should be like precious pearls; of the highest quality and shared sparingly.

In Islam, the ability to give good advice is truly a blessing from Allah. As it is an act of worship, one who is knowledgeable should not turn their face when the situation requires them to speak out. But a person giving advice should be knowledgeable in the art of counsel. Here are just a few of the dos and don’ts of giving advice:

Do plan how you’re going to address a situation. Be sensitive about the time and place. Is the person going through some emotional distress or are they in a frame of mind to accept your advice? Misunderstandings and frustrations are rife in the field of counsel. This is why advice is also given on the basis that you have some connection with the person. If you’ve just met them, work on creating a space where the person feels comfortable dealing with you.

Don’t publicise. You should avoid exposing a Muslim’s fault to people who would not have otherwise known. It is a characteristic of the evildoers to humiliate and shame others. It is narrated in Jami’ ut Tirmidhī that the Prophet ﷺ said, “…whoever exposes the shortcomings of his Muslim brother, Allah will expose his…”

Do ask permission. Not everyone wants advice. Does this absolve one from having to give it? Maybe not, but asking first indicates respect and will surely make the person more amenable to what you have to say. Furthermore, even after hearing you out, they still may not care to take your recommendations. Do not threaten or make ultimatums but instead consider your task done. After all, your job is not to force anyone, but merely to convey the message.

The great scholar Ibn Hazm has been recorded to have said in Al Akhlāq Was Siyar: Do not give advice only on the condition that it is followed. Otherwise, you are a tyrant, not an adviser; you are demanding obedience (and control).

Don’t assume. Often, a situation is more complex than you had imagined. Allow the person to speak freely and explain themselves. Ask questions that make you fully knowledgeable of the intricacies and adjust your advice accordingly.

Do be specific. Be concise in your speech. Be sure to address the topic at hand, especially if the advice was requested. Identifying extra problems and making unsolicited judgements in other areas will only lead to discord. The person should leave with a clear plan of action in mind.

Don’t reprimand. Many advisors speak harshly and go around attacking people’s characters. In the face of judgement people often start defending and justifying their position; the exact opposite of what you want. Instead, state the positives first and be kind and gentle in how you address people. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.” (Sunan Abī Dawūd)

As you can see, there is a lot more to advising than many of us are aware of. These are but a few of the guidelines that should be followed. Aside from being knowledgeable, there is one more detail that could prove detrimental if left out.

The Golden Rule: Practice what you preach.

Have you ever been advised by someone who left you thinking: I wish they would follow their own advice! Sometimes we hurry to advise others without having a clear look at ourselves to see if the advice falls in our garden. It’s the proverbial ability to see the speck in our brother’s eye but not the log in ours. After ensuring that you aren’t blameworthy, approach the situation with humility. We all sin, and in pointing out someone’s errors you risk them doing the same to you. Put yourself in their shoes and show compassion for their situation. Use “I” statements like “If I were in that scenario, I would…” rather than saying “you should…” You may even talk about similar experiences as long as you’re not crossing the prohibition of exposing your own sins.

Lastly, some people give advice that they themselves aren’t willing to take. And someone who isn’t willing to take advice shouldn’t give it. Actions like these are hypocritical at best and should be avoided. Almighty Allah says, (Surah Aṣ-Ṣaff 61:3) It is most hateful to Allah that you should say that which you do not do.

My final advice is that if you are ever in doubt, deal with your brothers and sisters in Islam with gentleness and justice; just as you would like others to deal with you. In the words of the Rasūl ﷺ, “None of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Bukhārī)

By Aalimah Noorie K. Khan